Sometimes you feel that you are so alone in this world that there’s no one to help you or support you, and that you’re on your own. That is not a good feeling on its own. It is like no one actually is there to help you out when you are in a problem. When you are in your good times, everyone is there to help you, but when you are in your bad times, there’s no one. I have heard that statement so many times from so many people that it astonishes me.
I don’t know what the truth of life is, but I know one certain thing: you are on your own, and that is where the concept of God comes in. I have read a lot of spiritual books, and I have listened to a lot of spiritual teachings. All of them tell you the same thing: there’s no one in this world, not even your parents, who will be there for you when you are in trouble. There is an exception, and the exception is in the form of your mother. Your mother will always be there. There’s no one there. If your mother is not there, then you are pretty much on your own.
I don’t know why I have mood swings in my life. Sometimes I feel everything is black in front of me, and sometimes I feel that things will get better and I can do anything in this world. I don’t know whether it is my mind, my overthinking, or whether it is the chemical imbalance in my mind.
I have tried things like vitamin D, zinc, and magnesium, and they do elevate your mood at times, but when you are sick and sick as hell, I have realized that you feel that nothing is working out for you.
It’s been a while since I’ve earned any money. I’m in a transition phase of my life. I have become a lawyer. Earlier, I was a filmmaker. As a filmmaker, even then, my career was not so great, but I kept earning money every year. There was something that would come up, and I would earn some money, but as a lawyer, there is still time for me to go ahead and start earning money.
At times, I feel that I want to talk about some things and feel that people might not understand me, and I try to keep a lot of feelings inside me. I don’t know why that is. I’m too scared of this world. I’m too scared of people’s opinion. I’ve always been too scared of people’s opinion, and I know. People like Samay Raina, Elon Musk, or Donald Trump, or the majority of people who are successful are those people who speak their mind. They’re not scared of anyone, but I am. I’m scared of showing my emotions to anyone.
The negativity of mind is what is killing me. The hesitation is killing me. I have lots of hesitation inside me. Whenever I make a decision, there’s hesitation. I know making a decision is a very important part of life, but I keep hesitating in doing things, and I have a problem that I do not finish anything. I finish everything with 50% to 70% perfection. It is never 100%. I don’t give everything of mine to what I do. It does not matter what I do. It is not always my 100%. It is not always my best.
For a long time, I’ve been trying to write articles on my blog, but I’m too scared of putting my mind on a word file and then showing it to the world. I’m embarrassed of my thoughts. I know when you show your weakness to the people, they think that you are pathetic, and that is one feeling that I’m really scared of. I want to appear as strong in front of people. I don’t know why, whether it’s genes or it is something that I have learned from people around me. I don’t know where that feeling has come from. I know the secret to anything that you do successfully is that you are not scared, you are not afraid of doing something, but I am. I am scared of everything. I’m afraid of everything.
You can see in my writing that all my thoughts are extremely abstract. They don’t have any information. They don’t have anything specific that you would like to read. They’re just abstract thoughts. Like a monkey, my mind jumps from one thought to another thought, and it never rests.
When I think of writing an article for my blog, I particularly feel that I am unable to focus on one topic for a longer period of time, due to which, when I write something, it all goes haywire. It is not on the same topic. Even though I put a title of the topic before I say anything, it is always the same. It is never that I’m staying on the same topic for a longer period of time.
Is it because of my knowledge? Is it because the world has changed so much that you get knowledge from everywhere: from social media, especially from reading books, from reading articles?
Today I am not feeling good. Today I am feeling dull. I am sick. I have a fever. I have taken paracetamol, and it is not helping me. My whole face is in a state of pain, and I am unable to breathe well. It is probably because of smoking. I don’t smoke a lot, but somehow I have a body which is not immune to smoking.
I’ve read that a lot of people have lived beyond 80 and 90 and smoked all their lives, but there are also people who have smoked very little and died. There’s one particular disease which scares me, and that is cancer. I’m not scared of death. That is one thing for sure. I’m scared of slow death. I’m scared of death in the hospital, where I would be lying down day by day in a pathetic situation of a patient, waiting for my end to come. If ever death comes to me, I want it to come in an instant, like a heart attack or something. I don’t want to stretch the time of my death. That is one thought that scares me.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. Hopefully, tomorrow my mind will be at peace. I know everyone is scared of their own mind, their own thoughts. I have felt that when I am outside, these thoughts don’t bother me. It is only when I am at home, alone, thinking or just lying down, that the thoughts keep coming into my mind. Those thoughts have a very strong impression on my health. My thoughts actually change my body behavior. I don’t know what the right words are to put in, but this is it. I just hope tomorrow will be a better day.