A few days back, I was thinking about what is happening with me. I am working a lot—not just working on something I don’t like, but working for myself, and the work I am doing is something that interests me.
I am excited to get up in the morning and write something.
There is something I have realized over time: if you are working all the time, there is no time for thinking. A man thinks a lot—especially me. I think a lot, and I overthink. Sometimes it reaches a level where it is beyond my control.
These days I am in a different mood. I don’t like meeting people or going out, and I love focusing on my work. Writing all these things is also part of the work that I want to do. I love reading and writing, and if I do that for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t mind it.
I have been thinking about Sai Pallavi a lot. I love her so much. Ironically, I have only seen two of her films in full—Fida and Premam. She is extraordinary. But I only think about her when I am free. Her thoughts save me from thinking about negative things. Negative thoughts actually lead to self-doubt.
Over time, I have realized that negative thoughts are often nothing but a chemical imbalance. I used to have anxiety the whole day. Everyone would ask me to stop overthinking, but no one would tell me what it was or how to do it. It was beyond my control. People would suggest stopping it as if it were as easy as walking to the door and opening it. No, it is not always in our control.
But the moment I started taking supplements, my life changed. Many anxious thoughts vanished, and motivation increased. When I used to read about Americans taking large amounts of medicine to lead a stable life, I wondered what they were taking. The people I read about were taking prescription pills, which I am not. I am simply taking supplements—mostly vitamins that I do not get from my homemade food. I have also stopped eating outside now.
You must be thinking this guy is mad—moving from one topic to another. Yes, that is how my mind operates. I cannot stay on one thought for long periods of time. I like writing, but I do feel that I am not a great writer. I don’t think I am a good speaker either. But people tell me that I am a good writer and a reasonably good speaker. Other people seem to have more confidence in me than I have in myself.
The only reason I am writing this article is that I have a goal to finish 1,000 words today. I don’t have a topic I want to discuss. Is writing randomly so bad? Can’t a person just write because he wants to write?
I am typing super fast. I don’t know why I do that. What’s the hurry? It is not like anyone is waiting to read me. Because I am typing so fast, I make many spelling mistakes. I go back and keep correcting them. The red wavy lines in my Word document irritate me. I think there is a reason they are shown in red.
But I am exploring the world these days. I think I have figured out many secrets of human life that my previous generations haven’t. I feel that I have more confidence in my thoughts and instincts now than ever. I trust myself now. I don’t keep doubting myself just because someone gives me a different opinion.
You know, I want to write a book of my thoughts. I started writing it under the name Thought Experiments and later changed it to Mind Experiments, but I deleted both. They were as random as this article. Sometimes it feels so tough to write when you don’t have enough thoughts but still feel like writing. I am feeling the same way now—I feel like writing, but I don’t have anything specific to tell you.
It is just something I am starting. I have to write daily. I have to turn it into a habit. However, there is one thing I want to change: the quality of my writing style hasn’t improved much over the years. It has remained the same despite my reading so much. I wonder what makes a person a good writer. Does reading help?
I don’t know everything, but there is no fear in moving forward now. There are certain things I want in my life, and I feel I am moving very fast toward them. I don’t like going to court now. I love sitting in court, but the hardest part is leaving the house.
I feel there is so much I have to achieve and do. I always feel that there is so much to do, but I wonder why no one else feels the same way. I don’t understand how most people lead their lives without having something to look forward to. My father doesn’t look forward to anything, yet he is living just fine. I will talk about my parents in my subsequent posts.
I hope no one reads this blog. I am wishing failure on this blog. I know God will listen to me. Ironically, whether I wish good for myself or bad for myself, God seems to follow the same template—nothing happens. You know, nothing ever happens in my life. My life is devoid of results and full of effort. I made efforts but left everything midway.
If something bad happens or something good happens, then you can say something has happened. But when neither happens, what do you say? Most people say that nothing happening is similar to something bad happening. Not to me. I have seen bad things happen to people, and I never wish them to happen to me.
I guess I have to sign off now. It is 8 p.m., and I am feeling sleepy. Besides that, I have finished writing more than 1,000 words, which was my target.
See you.